![]() "Disconnection from others, while lonely and distressing, can also be comfortably uncomfortable," Gomez continues. ![]() Being extremely close with someone doesn't seem like an opportunity for worthwhile connection but an invitation for disappointment. After a while, it becomes automatic to disengage and detach. "If the environment responds to vulnerability with punishment, shame, and guilt-like when children are overwhelmed with big emotions, make a mistake, mess or have their interests dismissed-then it lets the child know that it's not safe to show those parts if it happens on a consistent basis."Īs an adult, without the early experience of safe intimacy, they repeat what they know. "In order to be able to be intimate, there needs to be a sense of safety to show those vulnerable parts," she says. If someone grew up believing it was emotionally dangerous to share their needs and feelings, the experience of allowing oneself to be known can feel like anathema. According to Gomez, childhood trauma can also create obstacles around intimacy if a person wasn't able to be authentic growing up. A fear of intimacy could be caused by past abandonment, difficult ex-relationships, or anxiety disorders.
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